As I announced in yesterday's post, I am pregnant. Yay! Mr. Mister & I are very excited about the newest chapter in our storybook, which is beginning with the addition of a new family member.
Instead of having visions of Gerber baby commercials and a sweet little cooing angel floating in my mind, an excitement from deep within urges me to sing “Spectacular, Spectacular” from Moulin Rouge at the top of my lungs.
Now, I'm going to get a bit vulnerable with you today. Take heart though, I'm revealing my soft underbelly with a purpose in mind.
Yes, I am incredibly excited to become a mom; however, as I've recently begun to grow in width, I have been struggling with some old fears from my past. In short, I've been feeling incredibly pudgy and less attractive. Now, I know that this is a normal struggle for pregnant ladies. However, for me, this is a button that when pressed can cause considerable discomfort and, at times, pain.
Instead of having visions of Gerber baby commercials and a sweet little cooing angel floating in my mind, an excitement from deep within urges me to sing “Spectacular, Spectacular” from Moulin Rouge at the top of my lungs.
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| As you can see, I imagine parenthood to be filled with dancing, singing, and flying by the seat of my pants (as the characters in this song do). |
Now, I'm going to get a bit vulnerable with you today. Take heart though, I'm revealing my soft underbelly with a purpose in mind.
Yes, I am incredibly excited to become a mom; however, as I've recently begun to grow in width, I have been struggling with some old fears from my past. In short, I've been feeling incredibly pudgy and less attractive. Now, I know that this is a normal struggle for pregnant ladies. However, for me, this is a button that when pressed can cause considerable discomfort and, at times, pain.
You see, I was overweight in late childhood and throughout my teenage years. Now, let me be clear here; I’m not exaggerating. I’m not one of those slim chicks who pinches her teeny tiny tummy as she exclaims to have fat on her body that isn’t present (e.g. The Mean Girls).
Trust me here; I’ve spent most of my life surrounded by these ladies.
At one point in college, I attended a fitness class where I was the only overweight person present. In this class, my group of 5 girls was assigned a personal trainer to coach us through the process of learning how to do proper weight lifting, stretching, effective cardio, and dietary management. While the traditionally handsome, muscle-bound, Channing Tatum-esque personal trainer assigned to our group ignored me and doted on the slim chicks, the slim chicks talked about how large and grotesque they were. Meanwhile I, a truly overweight person, stood there feeling like the smallest person in the world.
At one point in college, I attended a fitness class where I was the only overweight person present. In this class, my group of 5 girls was assigned a personal trainer to coach us through the process of learning how to do proper weight lifting, stretching, effective cardio, and dietary management. While the traditionally handsome, muscle-bound, Channing Tatum-esque personal trainer assigned to our group ignored me and doted on the slim chicks, the slim chicks talked about how large and grotesque they were. Meanwhile I, a truly overweight person, stood there feeling like the smallest person in the world.
Now, I’m not asking for you to pity or feel sorry for me here. I’m just stating this to point out that the reality of my story is that I was a big ole girl for a long time. In fact, I weighed in at 220 pounds before making changes in my lifestyle. However, it was during the previously mentioned fitness class that I became determined in these 3 ways:
- I will not allow others to dictate what I can and cannot do.
- I will not allow others to determine how I feel.
- I am going to become healthy & lose this weight.
After much hard work, I did just that. While taking part in the class, I lost 70 pounds and continued on to take off 25 more pounds afterwards. I even managed to maintain the weight loss and, as a result, feel much better on a daily basis.
Now that you have a bit of my history you can see how along with this history comes a specific fear. I try to remain positive; however, I have a fear that likes to rear its ugly head, at times. This fear sneaks up on me and taunts me as it whispers to me in a voice that is quite similar to that of Regina George.
The fear whispers, “One day, you will blow up again and not be able to keep the weight off."
| Regina George from Mean Girls |
So, in honor of the formerly fat me who worked so hard to lose a grand total of 95 pounds (e.g. a Miley Cyrus), I will not allow this fear to have a voice in my life. Instead, I choose this day to: remember my past victories and be encouraged by them.
The truth is that my reality is one of victory and not defeat, so I will not dwell on my fears. I will look forward with great hope and expectation that I will be a healthy woman, wife, and mother.
Let me encourage you in whatever fear or struggle might tend to haunt you and re-emerge on occassion....
In trying and difficult times it can be helpful to look toward those who have overcome seemingly impossible circumstances instead of wallowing in fear and/or self-defeat. So, I highly recommend the (faith based) books by Joyce Meyer: Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts. These books are great resources on learning how to be in control of your thoughts and emotions.
The truth is that my reality is one of victory and not defeat, so I will not dwell on my fears. I will look forward with great hope and expectation that I will be a healthy woman, wife, and mother.
Let me encourage you in whatever fear or struggle might tend to haunt you and re-emerge on occassion....
In trying and difficult times it can be helpful to look toward those who have overcome seemingly impossible circumstances instead of wallowing in fear and/or self-defeat. So, I highly recommend the (faith based) books by Joyce Meyer: Battlefield of the Mind and Power Thoughts. These books are great resources on learning how to be in control of your thoughts and emotions.
Joyce Meyer is a woman whom I respect greatly, not only because of her boldness, faith, and strength, but also for overcoming some truly difficult circumstances in her lifetime.
Thanks for the book recommendations! I know this struggle too, in a different way I suppose (as I've been very open about on my blog). I grew up constantly being compared to my twin sis (and her compared to me!) I can't say it felt too good growing up, but I now have learned what is a healthy weight for my body and to be fully confident in the shape God made me to be! Pregnancy does make that struggle rear it's ugly head though. Hang in there-your body is being used for a miracle. A real, live miracle. :) I pray you can daily see how beautiful the good Lord and the rest of us think you are!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Sara! It can be such a challenge for ladies to figure out what healthy looks like. It's such an individualized concept. I've enjoyed the pregnancy not only because of our little lady who's growing like crazy, but also because it has stretched me and encouraged me to grow in how I view my own body.
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